


Love is a back door

by orphan_account



Category: Frozen (2013)
Genre: Elsanna - Freeform, Hansoff - Freeform, Hella, I feel funny, M/M, Smut, YOU NEED TO READ THE NOTES TO GET IT, but then it went cute, histoff, i dont know what im doing, its 4 am, just click on it, lets get the boogie on the floor, posting this from a phone so it might look odd, why am I awake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-25
Updated: 2014-04-25
Packaged: 2018-01-20 18:04:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1520168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>C'mon, you know you want to.<br/>Just go for it, princess, my thoughts are not coherent enough to write a summary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love is a back door

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO friend-o, you clicked on this fucker so I'm gonna tell you some stuff on a need to know basis. And there's sO MUcH u neED to KNOw so keep up with me here, Kristoff/Anna didn't pan out because oops! they're both massive homos and since they're both cute and stupid and hadn't ever had reason to think about it because neither even saw other humans for like a long time it wasn't really a thing that was established in either of their minds. And Anna and Elsa are all elSANNA YAYY but diddly dang darn it they can't well get married because that coronation bishop guy and the lovely people of the era would not be very down with the whole surprise! incest and homo! thing. So-o they kept Kristoff around and he and Anna got married to dispel suspicion and they have this fucking strange and beautiful relationship where they're bestfriends and falsely married and so goddamn teasing and comfortable and open with each other and they still sleep curled together in the same bed sometimes and hold hands and touch each others faces and cuddle all platonically but Elsa and Anna are in love and it's so unbelievably okay and cool and Anna just does her lovely thing, man, and she and Elsa make their sweet, sweet love and KRISTOFF, MY FRIENDS, KRISTOFF FUCKS HANS BECAUSE THAT PRETTY ASS. Hans is a total youngest brother when he isn't trying to charm his way into a kingdom, like he's the same but also sometimes a total sassy dork and he's in Arendelle prison for obvious reasons but somehow this shit got started when Kristoff was sent in to try and get him to confess to the whole Anna fiasco but oops they ended up banging on the floor after Hans made one smirk too many because how does someone even look that hella in a prison uniform dammit and it ends with Kristoff giving him his keys and growling instructions to come the next evening at eleven because that booty. That booty gets shit done. And Kristoff leaves the cell with distinctly ruffled clothing and someone asks "did you get anything out of him?" and Kristoff mutters "come"   
> "What?"  
> "Nothing."  
> So their whole relationship is "Hans i hate u so hard" "heh hard" "shuddup" "okay yeah but Kristoff please bone me I'm a slut" "... fine"  
> And the girls know and Anna forgave him because she's Anna and it turns out he went through so much shit in his life with brother probs and daddy probs and sexuality probs and like every prob not that that justifies his douchebaggery and Elsa still hates him and he is terrified in her presence.  
> And now after that long wait Hans will sneak in the window for like the eightieth time.   
> The things you'll read through for smut.

The window creaks, a gust of warm midnight air swirling through the room as Hans pops the window and slides in fluidly. 

"Get this," he says, turning around to shut the window before sliding dramatically across the room. "Love is a ba-ack doooooooor!"

Kristoff groans and throws an arm over his face from where he's laying stark naked on the bed. 

"I saw your new ice sled," Hans continues. He grins charmingly. "It's very big. Trying to compensate for something?"

Kristoff rolls his eyes. "Anna got it for me."

"That doesn't change my question."

Kristoff groans again. "Why do I put up with you?"

"They say I have an extraordinarily pretty ass."

Kristoff doesn't even look up. "Then work that ass open for me."

"Don't I get any help?"

"I'm tired."

Hans pouts but slips out of his uniform and grabs a bottle off the nightstand. 

"Over there." Kristoff motions toward the chair across from his bed, leaning up on his elbows. 

"That's a weird angle."

Kristoff gives him an "and you think I care?" look.

Hans puts his hands on his hips and grins. "You're not the boss of me."

"I am if you want to get fucked tonight."

Hans huffs and sits. "Bastard." He coats his fingers.

"Turn around. Put your free hand on the back of the chair and your legs against the arms."

Hans grins. "You like seeing me fuck myself open?"

"Get started or I'll take you dry."

"No you won't."

"But I could."

"You like me too much."

"No, you're an asshole."

"Heh."  
Kristoff lays back down in exasperation, throwing an arm over his face again. 

Hans glances behind him and being ignored is one thing he cannot deal with. He circles once, lightly, shivering, and eases a finger in. He can't stop himself from letting out a breathy sound. He sighs again in relief as Kristoff perks up and comes back to his elbows. 

"Sneaking out of jail to come fuck yourself on your fingers like a slut." Kristoff isn't one for talking during sex, or at all, really, he finds it embarrassing for a while before he gets into it but Hans seems to get off on it, especially princess and slut, which he will never admit to, so it's a habit Kristoff picked up, not that he'd ever start doing something to make that son of a bitch happy. "Such a whore, princess. Anyone back home know what a whore you are, princess?"

Hans snorts. "I assume that's rhetorical, peasant." 

"What did you do to get off, princess? Couldn't use the   
pretty boys at the balls, could you? Did you just watch them? Have to hide your hard on from all the ambassadors, couldn't have them knowing you wanted their sons. You ever sneak off and jack your dick in the coat closet? Finger yourself open while the pretty boys are just outside, dancing?" 

The moan Hans lets out at that is all the confirmation he needs, edging in a second finger now. "Still got more tail than you."

Kristoff chooses to ignore that on the grounds that masturbation isn't exactly getting tail in anyone's book and they both know that. "You get off on that, princess? You like knowing someone could walk in and see what a little slut you are? I'll take you outside next time, fuck you in the garden where anyone could walk through and see me making you my bitch. Such a whore for it, princess."  
"Do you call me princess in an attempt to help with self doubt? Because you're never gonna be manly." Hans retorts, riding his two fingers and trying to find friction in the air. 

"Coming from you that doesn't mean much, bitch. Hey."  
Hans is balancing his chest on the chair back, inching the hand he was using to balance with down to his cock.  
"Did I say you could touch yourself?"

Hans smirks weakly. "You didn't say I couldn't."

"This is to get you ready for me, not to get you off, slut."

"Well, you-"

"No one likes a chatty bottom, Hans."

Hans is miraculously silent. 

"Good boy. Get over here."

"Wait, I need another!"

Kristoff grins. Put in his place. Finally. "Thought I was compensating for something?"

"Fuck-fuck you." Hans eyes are closed and he's bathed in a thin sheen of sweat, scissoring his fingers quickly as his hips buck, knuckles white on the chair's back. "I-I can't reach."

"Pretty little rich boy fingers can't hit it for you? You gonna blame it on the angle, princess?"

Hans whines.

"You gonna put a third in or you want me to do it for you?"  
Hans eyes open and he's off the chair, scrambling onto the bed.

"Such a whore for it," Kristoff growls into his ear, replacing the emptiness with his own two. They're bigger, and callused, and all Hans needs. For two seconds. He whines.   
Kristoff snorts. "Demanding little bitch." But he leans forward accommodatingly, fingers rubbing as he spreads Hans ass. His fingers go just a little deeper and Hans lets out a choked sob, hips jerking back. Kristoff runs a hand over his shaking side for a moment, then brings it back and leans forward. His tongue runs over the space right above his fingers and Hans lets out a not at all sexy sound somewhere between a bleating goat and a cat getting strangled. Kristoff can't help snorting at that, which is not preferable in his current position. Hans makes another even less sexy sound at that and they both dissolve into laughter like huge dorks. 

"Warn me-" is all Hans gets out before they both start laughing again. 

It takes a minute of deep breaths while they try to regain their sexy place.

Finally, Kristoff switches his index and middle for a thumb from each hand. "Here's your warning, princess," he says, immediately leaning forward to lick a wide, firm stripe between his thumbs. Hans moans. Kristoff laps, little presses that play and wet but don't penetrate. 

"Please-" Hans gasps, and because he's feeling nice, Kristoff forces his tongue in, flicking the tip as Hans inhales and drops his head sharply. Kristoff curls his tongue, twisting it before he starts to tongue fuck in earnest, keeping Hans open with his thumbs as his tongue thrusts until Hans is shaking.

"I'm- I think- I'm gonna-"

"No, you aren't, princess." Kristoff pulls back and wraps a hand around the base of Hans' dick. Hans shudders and does his best to step back. "Can you keep it together or do I need to get the cock ring again?" Kristoff honestly cannot believe he says this shit out loud.

"No, no, I- will you fuck me? I need-"

Kristoff flips him over and Hans' hands immediately fist in his hair, legs wrapping around Kristoff's powerful hips. "You want it?" he prompts, breath ghosting across Hans' lips. 

"Please, want it so bad, need it, please-" Hans is almost sobbing and okay, Hans gives him a power rush after he's hot enough that he can't sass, but Kristoff might be possibly be a pathetic closet sappy sapster who always kisses before he fucks, even if Hans is a complete dick who- just, whatever, Kristoff kisses first, okay. 

And murmurs "I got you." before wrapping an arm around Hans' back and leaning on the elbow of the other as he eases their lips together, just warm pressure and breathing into each other's mouths and when he breaks apart to line himself up he has a little internal panic attack because oh shit fucking hell that was not a we hate each other thing that happened right there and oh fucking sonovabitch, shit, fuck, dammit. He closes his eyes. When he opens then again Hans is looking at him with trusting confusion and it's almost an out of body experience. Hans rolls his hips experimentally and Kristoff comes back. "How do you want it, princess?"

"Hard," Hans breathes.

"Slut," Kristoff says, and sheaths himself in a smooth snap, Hans' jaw falling open. Kristoff gives it a second before dragging out and slamming back in. He fucks into Hans hard because he knows he can take it, making up for that softness because in general, a blanket word to describe their sex would be angry. He takes him hard and fast enough that they're sliding up the bed a bit and Hans is gasping all kinds of delicious keens and moans and whines while Kristoff buries his teeth in Hans' collarbone, making a pretty bruise and muffled breathless growly sounds from his chest. Kristoff doesn't want to try and work a hand between them so he hazily presses even closer, rolling their sweat slicked bodies tight against Hans' cock. Hans' eyes go wide and he makes a wounded animal sound as he comes, jaw dropping as his whole body clenches and there's hot fluid slicking their bodies and Kristoff does not find it in any way cute that Hans is always surprised when he comes, not at all. He works Hans through, slowing his rhythm until his teeth are gritted and his cock aches and the legs around his waist loosen and Hans relaxes, blissed and oversensitive, so Kristoff pulls out, it's hard as fuck and he isn't sure why he's doing it, but it's definitely not so Hans won't be uncomfortable. Hans clutches at him. 

"The hell, you didn't come, you bastard," he slurs. Kristoff brushes against his softening cock and he winces slightly.  
"You're a sensitive bitch," Kristoff mumbles, fisting himself and crawling up quickly. "Gonna suck me off, princess." 

Hans moans and opens his mouth accommodatingly. 

Kristoff pulls himself up, white-knuckle gripping the headboard as Hans nuzzles, holding Kristoff's waist and tilting his head to let Kristoff in, too fucked out to do anything but hollow his cheeks a little and take it. Kristoff is so close finesse isn't really the goal here, so he just lets his hips roll sloppily into Hans' sealed lips and over his curled tongue down his throat, slick and wet until the pressure is too much. 

" 'mma come down your throat, princess," he growls, eyes shut and thighs shaking. Hans moans around his cock and the vibration pushes him over, his mouth opening in a silent yell as he tenses. Hans summons the energy to suck, milking Kristoff's cock most of the way. He misses the last string as Kristoff pulls out, it landing in a slash over his cheek. Kristoff leans on the headboard, panting for a couple minutes, apparently too long for Hans, who smacks his ass weakly, sounding completely fucked out. 

"Move, you lummox." 

"Ask nicely, bitch," Kristoff snorts, but collapses onto the bed anyway, sprawling inelegantly over a good three quarters of the bed. They lay like that for a minute, just breathing and letting their bodies come back. Finally, Hans inches himself to sitting. Kristoff glances at him, swipes the come off his cheek with his pinky and brings it to Hans' swollen lips. Hans seems to have an internal argument over making a sassy comment before the other side wins and he just hums and sucks it off. Kristoff drops his arm in approval and rolls onto his stomach. Hans stands like always, wiping off his chest and stomach with a cloth from the nightstand, slipping back into his uniform, walking to the window.

"Sunday, 11," Kristoff says into his pillow. 

"What a pretentious bastard," Hans gasps. "Alas, you are in luck as I have no plans."

"For the forseeable future," Kristoff points out. 

"How much of the future can one truly forsee?" Hans asks dramatically, popping the window. "I take my leave into the abyss. May Lady Luck be on my side!"

Kristoff rolls his eyes as Hans makes an "onward!" motion and shuts the window firmly behind him. 

He's alone for all of thirty seconds before the window opens again. Shit. Kristoff stifles a groan because Hans needs to get the fuck out before he says something stupid.

“There are guards in the courtyard!" Hans yelps, sliding the window closed behind him.

"Shit, monthly drills. I forgot."

"I knew you were a knucklehead, but that's impressive. Guess I blew your mind." Hans winks exaggeratedly.

Kristoff groans and throws an arm over his head again. "It'll be over in... around five minutes. You can get through then. For now you can just-" he motions vaguely.

"Sure," Hans says, sitting down in the armchair nearest the door. "I'll be quiet as a mouse."

"That's a first."

Hans sticks out his tongue for lack of a comeback. Kristoff rises and grabs another cloth from the nightstand, cleaning his front and throwing the top cover off his bed onto the floor. He snags a pair of loose pants off the chair at his desk and sits down, shifting through a stack of papers and grabbing a pen before starting to scrawl over papers since he's not going to sleep. 

"What're you doing?" Hans asks. Kristoff doesn't answer. He is not a talker and this is the worst possible time to attempt that. 

"Some cool ice stuff? Hey, pun!" 

Still nothing. Hans fidgets.

"Prince things? They're tedious, eh. I am not sure if I'm still a prince or not but I lean towards a strong no."

.  
"How'd you get into ice delivery?"

.  
"Would you prefer I wait outside?"

.  
Hans voice is very small and it breaks. "Please don't ignore me."

Kristoff's head whips over. Hans is curled in the chair, eyes bright and glittery and jaw set, looking for all the world like the baby prince who barely existed, who couldn't talk over his brothers, who wasn't special or big or anything worth noticing or deigning to hear. 

"Just- I'll leave, just don't-please don't ignore me." He looks sick, standing and fumbling with the window. "Just say something and I'll leave-" 

Kristoff is across the room in three enormous steps, pulling Hans' hands off the window with one hand and pushing it back down with the other. Hans turns toward him, wide-eyed. 

"I care about you." Well, there goes two months of the "don't fall for the psychopath who almost murdered your best friend and her sister" inner dialogue.

"Yeah, okay." Hans sneers, his carefully trained away accent bleeding through as he pulls his hands away. "I'm not going to jump off the roof, your conscience doesn't need to be cleared."

Kristoff growls and blocks the window with his wide shoulders.

"You're such a peasant bastard," Hans spits. "You don't even speak."

Kristoff steps forward and Hans steps back in a "wait maybe this isn't a good idea" moment. He finds himself backing up until his calves hit the bed. Kristoff pins Hans' legs with his own, deftly undoing the top of the uniform and yanking it down, stepping back to strip Hans completely. Hans just stares in mild horror. Kristoff grabs him and tosses him onto the bed. Then, Kristoff slips in behind him, throwing a blanket over them both, throwing a leg over Hans' slim hips and wrapping him in his arms.

“What the fuck is this." Hans says, four parts confused, two parts hopeful, one part mad. 

"Forcible cuddling. It's very effective," Kristoff deadpans. 

"What."

"Don't question this. You've already insulted my manliness. Making me say cuddling again might push it over the brink."

Hans snorts weakly and the tension eases from his body as he sinks into Kristoff against his will.

They lay like that for what feels like forever, Hans' eyelids slipping as he fights sleep, drowning in a warmth that swells his chest in the strangest way. 

" 'mma fall asleep," he mumbles halfheartedly.

Kristoff makes an noncommittal sound.

"Gonna figure out I'm gone," he adds, trying for urgency but hitting sleepy and raw. 

"I'll take care of it." 

A thought strikes. "You gonna let them find out so you don't have to tell me you're done with me?"

Kristoff stiffens and his voice is no nonsense. "You think I'd do that?" Hans doesn't reply. Kristoff's voice softens. "I don't think I'll ever be done with you."

Hans makes a disbelieving sound. 

"The girls will cover for us. Just go to sleep."

Hans whines, just a little edge working its way out of his throat. 

Kristoff sighs. "Come on, princess. I got you, swear. I wanna be with you."

Hans melts.

 

Outside, Anna pulls her ear from against the door. She makes an aw/ew face and steps away, setting the extra cup of hot cocoa by the frame. "I don't think he wants this now."

Elsa frowns into her own hot cocoa. "Banging Hans again?"

Anna grins and blows the steam rising off her mug in Elsa's direction. "Kinda. Anyway, the prince is a bit of a slut."

Elsa wrinkles her nose. "You were going to marry him, in case you're forgetting."

Anna smiles guiltily. "Oops?"

Elsa shakes her head and smiles, lacing their free hands together as they walk down the hall. "Men."

"Ew." Anna grins and leans over, tilting her head to kiss. 

Elsa smiles as they break apart. "I love you."

"I love you too. Homo intended."

"Homo is always intended."


End file.
